If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire.

A friend dropped this on me the other day:

"You really live in your own little world, don't you?"

I asked him what he meant by that, and he told me that in the few months he's known me, he's seen that I slip into a trance-like state with noticeable regularity. I'll tap out rhythms with my hands and feet, speak out loud to no one in particular, sing under my breath, or generally just glaze over and disregard the people and happenings around me.

We brought this to the attention of a few other friends, and none could deny that I exhibited the described behavior. While I agreed that I visit my own little world from time to time, I was taken aback by just how frequently, publicly, and noticeably I do it. For the rest of the day, I caught myself slipping into my trance at least a dozen times, and that doesn't count the times I didn't catch. I was caught redhanded drumming double bass in the cafeteria line, commenting on my own technique as I swung down the stairwell railings, even drifting into la-la land mid-conversation. I couldn't help but wonder whether this was "healthy" behavior, and rather more urgently, whether people thought I was crazy.

What do you think when you see someone tugging at his neck hair for an entire chemistry class, or rating commercials on a scale of 1 to 10 out loud for the benefit of an empty media lounge?

On a Scale of One to Ten

Something that has always bugged me is the subjectivity of the classic 1 - to - 10 rating scale. Different subjects are rated independently, some people rate more liberally or conservatively, and worst of all, each mark means something different to each individual person. The handing out of marks is not grounded in any sort of concrete set of guidelines. As a tool to communicate one's feelings on a subject, the 1 - to - 10 rating scale, as it is now, is unreliable at best.

As a service to mankind, I've developed a Universal Rating Scale TM. This scale can be applied to any subject, and be consistent in it's appraisal and relatability. It manages this by using a bell curve system.

The Universal Rating Scale TM gives out marks on a scale of 0 to 10. A score of 5 is neutral. Anything above 5 is positive, anything below 5 is negative. 6 is marginally good, 7 is solidly good. 4 is marginally bad, 3 is solidly bad. 5 is at the very top of the curve, and so the majority of marks will be within this 3 - to 7 range. Marks above or below this range are exceptional cases, and are not to be handed out lightly.

A mark of 8 is very good, a mark of 2 is very bad. 9 is exceptionally good, 1 is exceptionally bad. 10 is as close to perfection as it is possible to go, and 0 is the antithesis of this. Marks of 10 and 0 represent the furthest reaches of the curve, and should almost never be handed out.

So next time you're out with the boys watching pretty girls walk by, or someone asks you how your day was, or your waiter asks you how you're enjoying the food so far, you'll know exactly what to tell them.

EASY REFERENCE SUMMARY:

10: As close to absolute perfection as is possible. Once-or-twice-in-a-lifetime.

eg. The day you get married to your soulmate.

9: Exceptionally Good

eg. Winning $5,000 in a 50-50 draw.

8: Very Good

eg. Floor tickets to your favorite band.

--- (most things below this) ---

7: Good

eg. An cold Coca Cola on a hot day.

6: Marginally Good

eg. Getting a notification on facebook.

5: Neutral. No positive or negative feelings whatsoever.

eg. Someone you've never met and never heard of.

4: Marginally Bad

eg. Doing laundry, making your bed.

3: Bad

eg. Traffic when you're late for something.

--- (most things above this) ---

2: Very bad

eg. Having one night to write a 6-page essay worth 30% of your mark.

1: Exceptionally bad

eg. Getting dumped.

0: Absolutely soul-crushingly, gut-wrenchingly, hellishly awful.

eg. The day your baby was kidnapped and murdered.